Dear Diary
by Stephanie Schubart

“Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you.  For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”  Matthew 7:7-8

I was only 7 when my dad died.  He died in September and I can hardly remember him, much less what I got for Christmas that year.  I do remember one gift though, a diary.  My oldest sister gave it to me hoping that I could spell out my grief so to speak.  However, my writing skills at that age were not nearly good enough to capture all I had going on inside.  To get me started, she turned to the anniversary date of my dad’s death and made an entry stating that fact. 

That entry that year was about all that was of any value – other than the sampling of my second grade penmanship and an entry about a field trip to the veterinarian hospital!  I think I made it to Jr. High in that small five-year diary.  A paragraph amount of space per day was enough then.  In Jr. High I could almost fill a page most days in the one-year type, and by High School, I would use a spiral notebook and record the dates myself.  Now, I buy fancy hardcover journals with beautiful covers and pretty pictures inside.

The content of my entries has also changed over the years.  As a child I recorded specific events with a feeling attached, “Dear Diary, Today we went on a field trip to the vet hospital. It was fun.  We didn’t have math!”  Then in Jr. High it was, “Dear Diary, I’m so happy I could scream.  K.W. winked at me.  I think he likes me. I think I’m in love!”  Then in high school, “Dear Diary, Everybody is talking about applying for college. How they are looking forward to drinking and the parties.  How they can’t wait to be away from home.  I would like to get away from home too.  Only, to my own home!  I am so over the partying thing.  I don’t think I would have even one friend at college.  They would all be out partying!”  After high school it was addressed, “Hi it’s me again.  I am taking a correspondence course through the Institute of Children’s Literature.   I have a real published author as my personal instructor. I learn what I need to know.  Not what I already know!”

Today, my Dear Diary entries are addressed, Dear God, Heavenly Father, Holy Creator, blessed and worthy are You…He especially likes it when tell Him how good He is –don’t we all?!  From there I go on to thanking God for all the wonderful blessings He has given me. Some days that list is nearly endless. Then I ask Him to help my friends and family and for peace on earth. Then comes my list of complaints and requests, and finally the moment I bare my soul to my Maker and fess up to all the grief I’ve caused.  It helps me feel better really. In the end I always end up with, may it be Your will Lord.

And even though I continue to mess up, there are ways I see Gods presence in my life.  For at least 20 years now, I have made it a tradition to sit down on News Year’s Eve and read through the previous years journals and make a final entry, sort of summing up the year.  This year, due to a lack of time –or should I say, discipline?! – I made 6 or 7 entries of whining.  It barely filled half of the journal.  One entry was a poem I wrote.  But still I can see remarkable answers to prayers.  I was amazed.  God took care of all my concerns one way or another.  And not all of them were personal concerns; some of them were for others.  Not all of them turned out exactly as I would have liked.  Some turned out even better!
I even find myself today in the middle of circumstances that bring me great hope for the future.  Of course I prayed more regularly than I wrote in my prayer journal.  But, I can’t remember what I all prayed for.  My journal is always my evidence that God is listening.

Some will say that’s coincidence.  But not in my book.  See, when I accepted Jesus as my personal savior I stopped believing in coincidences.  There are only God incidences now.  Keeping a record of my prayers and the events of life has been a huge part of my spiritual growth.  It is not always pleasant going back and reading through it all either.  It sounds pretty depressing at times.  And I often forget what made me moan and groan last month.  But when I sit down in May and read what I wrote in February, there I will see just how God works to make things right. I see what it took to change me and make me right.  After all, hindsight is 20/20.

Wonderful, merciful Savior – how I love You!  Thanks for all the ways that Your love has brought me through.  I don’t deserve even the smallest part of what You have done for me.  You have been so good and faithful through the years – even if it takes me a while to see it.  Continue to lay Your hand upon me and to guide my life.  Let me be a witness to others of Your love and promises.  And keep me on my knees in prayer.  In Jesus’ name, AMEN.